It doesn’t get easier. The process. The sound of the heavy doors closing behind you as you enter the pre-op area: answering all the questions, changing your child into the surgery gown with non-slip socks, signing consent to treat forms, with the accompanied risks of the worst. Soon, it seems as though things go so quickly, the room spins, it’s cold and you can’t seem to get enough hugs and kisses in. Then, they whisk him away and you are left there—alone—not knowing how my son feels in the moment he enters the operating room, identifies something is happening and not being able to explain, in any way to him, that this is for his good, is debilitating--even with the gift of ability to be with him until he’s asleep. Finally, they escort you out and the door closes. You are left to collect all your things, your child’s personal belongings and off you go to wait in a room filled with parents who are all feeling the same way.
Somehow you grow to tolerate and expect it all, but it’s the same feeling waiting the first surgery as it is the fifteenth. As a parent of a child with a lot of medical needs, you develop strength most people could not imagine. Most times, I head to the bathroom and I am brought to tears, my knees fall weak as I cry out to God. I beg for him to keep my son safe and for more time with him here in this life. It is there, that’s where I find my strength. When I am completely broken, I can lay my fears, worries and anxieties at his feet and he allows for the exchange of armor. The strength that only God could supernaturally give. I am able to literally wipe my tears, take a deep breath and tackle whatever lies ahead in the wait.
I can’t do this without God. From the moment my naive self, walked into this children’s hospital years ago, thinking, in my own strength, I was strong enough. So many moments through the years of emergency visits, 911 calls and ambulance rides, hospital stays and seeing my son code in front of us, changed me. It was there I learned, my strength is NOTHING without God. All those moments...they were enough to completely shatter me in my own strength, but I know without doubt, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is equipping me for this journey, day by day. He is molding me into who he created me to be and through the process, he has blessed me with an extraordinary journey as a mom.
I have grown to completely dislike the worldly saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” YES, HE DOES! If God only gave us what he knew we could handle, why would we need him? Often, I realize in moments that I am not in control, he is, and it is him I need to tap into for his strength. Sweet friend, if you are reading this and can identify in a parallel way or even if you are a mom who has no idea what this feeling is, I want you to know this, we all need to find our strength. The God that created you, created those babies and carefully chose you. You are the only one who knows what’s best. You are the one who makes it all better for them. You are the one who needs to remember, it is okay to admit you can’t do it in your own strength. God is hoping for that tap out from you. It is there, he renews you and strengthens you. Admitting you need him isn’t a sign of weakness, but an assurance of faith and faith without seeing, is true courage. I pray you find your strength in him.
